HEPCAT QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:
FROM: KARI - SAN FRANCISCO, Duh
DEAR HEPPY:
My cat Petey (a girl) is mean to my cat Sally (also a
girl). How can I get Petey to be nicer?
DEAR KARI,
Hep says you're the second person she has met from
Duh. Freaky, huh?
She wants to know how you're defining "mean". For
example, she says, she wacks Bagheera in the head
every time she comes within two feet of her, which Hep
points out is not mean, but rather life as it should
be. Besides, she says that Bagheera, who is dumb as a
dust puppy on every other level, can now measure two
feet with remarkable accuracy.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: MAGGIE - FORT COLLINS, CO
DEAR HEPPY:
My name is Autumn. I am a multi-colored tabby. I
pretty much have my owner wrapped around my thumb,
with one exception. I have developed an insistent
need to have the faucet in the bathtub turned on at
least 5 times a day, so I may muse at it, and drink
the wonderful fresh stuff right from the tap. My
owner rarely comply's with my demand. What should I
do?
DEAR AUTUMN,
I shot a super soaker at a wild band of raccoons I
caught pilfering from my mulch pile a few weeks back.
They skittered down the street, but came back with
more friends the following night. It wasn't my
intention, but I think they loved the water. I think
they left to fetch their garbage picking pals yelling,
"Party at Poundstones!"
Stupidly, I threw water balloons at them the next
night. Now they'll probably come for New Year's.
Hep says that, although it's always important to
badger (a sentiment she shares with my children), the
truth is water is a valuable resource that should not
be wasted. Without it we could not pee just outside
the litterbox.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: ELIZABETH - LOS ANGELES, CA
DEAR HEP:
O.K. Hep--my cat, Emma is fine and now will listen to
me sing all the time (she used to run away whenever I
started to practice). My question is, when will I
start trusting my voice and stop adding that little
grab/tension effort that obstructs the beauty of the
sound and thus my ability to express--especially will
I be able to trust myself by Sept. (when my Kurt Weill
show opens in Pas. and sf--) --arghhhh!!!
DEAR ELIZABETH,
How did your show go? Hep tried to get tickets, but
she's an indoor cat. She says she is sorry she didn't
get back to you before on your time sensitive
question, but she really knows nothing about singing.
My dog, Cal, is quite a singer, but Hep hates him so
much she wouldn't even ask him
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: MOLLY - LAS VEGAS, NV.
Dear Hep:
I wanna know how I can get my tiny possums to let me
hold them and not run into their critter trails tubes
every time I walk into the room!!
Dear Molly,
Hep says to pretend to be dead.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: AMBER - SUDBURY, ONTARIO
Dear Hepcat:
My name is Kissifur and I am four years old. I am a
tortoise shell and I love catnip, tinfoil balls. I
like to sit on papers, keyboards and I drink water out
of any tap. Are you looking for a friend, or uh, mate?
I heard your meow and went NUTZ. I think you are a
fine feline!
Dear Kissifur,
If I did not have a bunny named Softy I would make fun
of your name.
Hep says she shares your interest in sitting, but just
isn't interested in a relationship right now, but I
think she's just saying that. Really, I think it's the
name.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: CHERYL - DAYTON, OH.
Dear Hep:
My cats, Zoe and Charlotte, love to sleep in bed with
my husband and me. I like having kitties curled up by
me, but my husband doesn't and wants them out of the
bedroom. I hate to tell him to sleep somewhere else,
since he's a pretty good guy, but I just can't kick
the cats out either. How can I get my husband to
change his mind? P.S., tell Paula I just watched her
latest comedy performance on BRAVO, and she was hilarious.
Dear Cheryl,
Hep wants to know what a husband is.
I sleep on the floor in the living room and we've
never had an overcrowding problem.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: SAMANTHA - DURHAM, CT.
Dear Hep:
I have 5 brothers and a sister. I am the cutest and
nicest. However, my Mom is REALLY ticked off royally
at my handsome black bro - Simon and my other sibling
Fast Eddie (who is just a copycat)
They sidle up to a wall or a chair or whatever they
fancy and they put their "eau de Backend" on it. When
my Mom discovers it, the air gets really Blue around
her and she says words that I do not understand. My
brothers are "sons of cats" not dogs. Anyway, do you
have any suggestions to stop all the turmoil??? Other
than sending them on retreat to a Chinese restaurant?
Please help us Hepcat!
Dear Samantha,
Hep is one of a houseful females because I fear this
spraying thing, but they're often up all night talking
about shoe shopping, so it's a trade off.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: PATRICE - VANCOUVER, WA.
Dear Heppy:
Because none of my 3 cats speak to me I would like to
know why Skitter and Khali (both females) spray as a
male cat would on my shrubbery outside - and how is
this physically possible for the girls?????? Please
help Hep.
Thanks.
Dear Patrice,
Hep says she doesn't go out and can't speak for all
cats, but that when she peed down the slats in the
back of the television two other cats held her front
paws.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: CANDACE - SAN LEANDRO, CA.
Dear Hepcat:
When will Paula be in the San Francisco area again for
stand-up?
Dear Candace,
I showed Hep your note. She stared at me long and
hard and asked if I knew that monks were leading
thousands of people in protest marches in Myanmar.
I said, "Where's that." and she said it used to be
called Burma.
I said, "It's still not ringing a bell, was it called
anything before that?" and she stalked out of the
room.
I'm gonna be in the Bay area this weekend. I think
it's important.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: HARLEY - CHARLOTTE, N.C.
Dear Hepcat:
Which is better, dry food or wet? Also, should we
find the company that poisoned the cat food and slash
the executives tires??
Dear Harley,
It has been so long since I fed Hep wet food, I don't
think she remembers. At this point, to Hep, wet food
is the one or two pieces of dry food that Laurel
insists on scooping into the water dish each day.
I am sure, were it up to Hep, that she would like a
private chef and a taster, but unfortunately Richie
Rich wasn't the character with the animal hording
problem who plucked her from the cage at the back of
the cat rescue place.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: DAMON - DENVER, CO.
Dear Hepcat:
I am a huge Paula fan and am very glad to see her
making a comeback. (that sort of implies there was a
'goaway', which could be perceived as an insult, but
shouldn't be)
Please continue to take good care of Paula for us. We
enjoy her work a great deal. All someone has to do is
walk up to me and go "We 'hate' the people on the
right." and I will literally lol.
So, riddle me this, Hepcat:
Where can I get a copy of "Cats, Cops and Stuff"? I
can't find it anywhere!
Please help!
Dear Damon,
Thanks for your note. Hep says she is not remotely
interested in taking care of me and she thinks there
are copies of "Cats, Cops, and Stuff" in the garage,
but there are rats out there too and Heaven forbid she
risk losing a tuft or two of fur going up against a
rodent.
I'm really into my lizard lately.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: ART
FROM: SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS
DEAR HEP,
I have discovered that I have a talent for extricating
cats from locations they should have thought about
before entering. The latest is a small kitten from
the rear underside of a Honda Accord - head first
between the frame and gas tank. Does Heppy see a
business opportunity in this?
DEAR ART,
Hep worries that, since cats' whiskers are used to
measure their girth so they don't squish their bodies
into spaces their whiskers can't clear, someone who
profited from a cats' misfortunes might be tempted to
clip a cat's whiskers so they could charge for a
heroic rescue. There's probably a business
opportunity in just about everything except that which
I lay my hand to, but I agree with Hep, some things
should be paid with a simple purr.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: JEANNIE
FROM: SCARSDALE, NEW YORK
DEAR HEPPY,
I'm 40 years old - is that too old to go back to
school to become a nurse? All three of my kids will
be in school full time in the fall. Just wondering.
Tell Hep thanks for the insight.
DEAR JEANNIE,
Hep believes you should do as much as you can while
you can still bathe yourself. She says once your fur
clumps up there aren't as many opportunities.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: GAIL
FROM: TULSA, OKLAHOMA
DEAR HEPPY,
Is there such a thing as samecat syndrome? Our last
two cats were identical, now we again have two grey
tabbies, acquired at different times, who look just
like each other. My husband, a former dog man, is
confused.
DEAR GAIL,
Hep says each cat is unique. She says they're like
snowflakes except you can't shovel them, they don't
cancel school when lots come at once, and they don't
improve ski conditions.
Although she bears no prejudice towards your mixed
marriage, she wonders what's so confusing to your dog
man husband about cats having some similarities. She
pointed out, with a kind of, "isn't it obvious?" flick
of her whiskers that Lassie was played by several dogs
and Timmy never seemed the wiser.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: DAYNA
FROM: NAPERVILLE, ILLINOIS
DEAR PAULA,
Can you please ask Hep Cat what canned cat food will
NOT make my two cats throw up? No matter what we feed
them, they continue to vomit (sometimes in unison) on
our carpet. I pose my question to you as a last
resort before my fiancé kills one or both of my
babies. Thanks!
DEAR DAYNA,
Hep says it's not the food, they're bulimic. Clip
their whiskers and they'll think they lost weight.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: CHERYL
FROM: BETHLEHEM, PA.
DEAR HEP,
Sorry for another e :), but any advise for my lil domino cat (11 years old on March 17 and weighs 15.5
lbs) a.k.a. known as the dominator. I have a very tiny house and no where for him to run (I truly agonize over this) any kitty exercises for him? I used to live in a big house - he is a very cool cat - plays fetch (yup) talks (yup) begs (yup). I think he's amazing. He is the love of my life… We want to win ticket to see you at the Sellersville, PA show in May!!!!
Cheers and headbutts.
DEAR CHERYL,
Hep lost a few ounces laughing at your question. Kitty exercises? In between gasping for air she said to tell you that cats don't do crunches.
I hope you won tickets to my show in Sellersville.
Anybody who can bring that kind of joy to Hep deserves that and all of the best Sellersville has to offer.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: CARMEN
FROM: DOUGLASVILLE, GEORGIA
DEAR HEP CAT,
Did Paula ever live in a small town called Canton, MO.
when she was a young girl?
DEAR CARMEN,
Hep says she doesn't have a clue where I used to live,
but that she's fairly certain she saw me cleaning up a
major mayonnaise spill in the kitchen a few days ago.
She says there may be some value in studying the life
of Elizabeth Stanton, Abraham Lincoln and Martin
Luther King, but neither she nor the World Book
Encyclopedia have room for the study of me.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: NEELIX
FROM: HOUSTON, TEXAS
DEAR HEP,
This is from Toni-Ann and Dita's 3 cats. Have you
listened to the song "Meow" by Cheryl Wheeler? Our
people play it for us - it is an ode to cats
everywhere. I think you would like it. Also Paula
would enjoy "I'm Unworthy" by CW. We think Paula and
Cheryl should do a show together - although we would
have to get the humans those NASA diapers to get
through it all.
DEAR NEELIX, G'KAR AND DAX,
I didn't know there was a song called "Meow". Heppy
sings it all of the time. It must be stuck in her
head the way "Angie Baby" by Helen Reddy is stuck in
mine.
Hep says Cheryl Wheeler stole it.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: CATHERINE
FROM: LONDON ONTARIO, CANADA
DEAR HEPCAT,
My spouse is allergic to cats, but cats are so
wonderful and my favorite animal. I want a cat in my
life. What do I do?
P.S. Getting rid of my spouse is not an option.
DEAR CATHERINE
Hep wants to know if you ever saw "Boy in A Bubble?"
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: R.L.
FROM: MORGANTOWN, WV.
DEAR HEPPY,
I have 7 or 9 cats on the porch (the number changes
from day to day) and I'm running out of names. I have
Pico, Murphy, Beep, and Snotbag. I need more good
names for cats. What does Heppy suggest?
DEAR R.L.:
Hep says you ran out of names just before Beep and
Snotbag.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: BOO AND MURPHY
FROM: DISCOVERY BAY, CALIFORNIA
DEAR HEP,
Our dogs, Boo and Murphy, would like to know why on
earth you have 10 cats. And they told me (they both
talk to me, and I talk to them) that while you're
hilarious, if you have 10 cats, you're not quite
right. And then you have that dragon thing that the
cats might eat! Yech.
DEAR BOO AND MURPHY,
I love dogs. I throw things for them to fetch. I pat
them on their heads. I put treats in my hand behind
my back and then ask dogs to pick which hand they're
in. I do not, however, consult them about who or what
I live with.
Hep says she would never even pat them on their heads.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: WENDI
FROM: BYRON
DEAR HEPCAT,
I KNOW you are very, very busy, which is why our
family DOG has offered to help you with answering
questions. I think you will like Cocoa. She is a 6
year old Chocolate Lab and very smart. She knows her
way from our house to her cousins house and back. We
don't let her go alone because she steals duck eggs
and murders lizards. If you still want her help,
write me and I will check her schedule. She might
even be able to help with "big stupid dog," and I have
to tell your mother that is NOT nice at all.
DEAR WENDI,
The truth is it's not Hep's fault that she's behind
answering questions. I've been trying to save
gasoline by coasting when I drive and there aren't a
lot of hills around where I live, so there's lots I
don't get to.
Hep waits at home with her teenie beanie at the ready.
Please thank Cocoa for the offer.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: JULIE
FROM: DALLAS, TEXAS
DEAR HEP,
Hep, I can't help but notice that no one has come to
you for advice recently. Are you well? Alive? If
not, what happened to you? I do hope you are well. I
lost 3 of my boys in the last 6 months and it has been
difficult. I still have Mouthy and she (my only girl
who is really a boy but doesn't know it) has a goofy
dog, Jango. We have been concerned about you so
please have your Human give us an update. If there
is anything we can do for you Hep, let us know.
Money, mice, good litter, a new dress, cds, books -
anything at all we can send you. in the meantime, we
will wish for the best! Oh, and please tell your Human
that we can't wait to see her in DFW - and thanks for
the bookplate!
DEAR JULIE,
Hep says she's fine, but I could use lots of stuff.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: ANDREA
FROM: BEAVERCREEK, OHIO
HEY, HEP CAT!
How do you keep three teenagers from fighting? I have
a son, 16 and twin girls 15. I try humor on them but
they think that I am lame or retarded. They all have
their drivers permits. Sigh.
Maybe I should feed them cat food?
DEAR ANDREA,
My two teenagers don't fight. I think it's because
neither often notices the existence of the other. My
daughter Alley may be America's hope for the gold in
next year's international eye rolling competition at
the X-Games.
Hep says that she eats cat food and that doesn't stop
her from taking a tuft or two off of Rutherford's hind
quarters.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: KRISTEN
FROM: CENTREVILLE, VA.
DEAR HEP:
Do I have hypoglycemia, or am I just crazy?
DEAR KRISTEN,
Hep says she'll need to do more testing and you may
need to see her once a week or more and pay her
thousands of dollars over a period of years.
I think you should just get good rest, drink plenty of
water, and watch Perry Mason occasionally, with a
particular focus on Della.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: ROB
FROM: KANSAS CITY, MO.
DEAR HEPPY:
I'm a 52 year old (but I read at a 65 year old level)
guy who's falling in love with a 26 year old Audrey
who I think has a sense of humor much like yours
(which I love).
Here's the line she came up with today in the optical
goods shoppe where I met her and so, have spent
thousands on glasses lately:
I told her that I'd been diagnosed with pneumonia this
morning and knowing she may have been exposed as well
as a two year old son of her boss Debbie, I took over
a bunch of disinfectant wipes for the CD's and DVD's I
recently loaned her and the Mozart music box I gave to
2 yr old Charlie.
When I mentioned that I might have walking pneumonia
to which Audrey immediately quipped "I wonder if
there's running pneumonia? jogging pneumonia?"
Audrey is a bass player and lead singer and I play
guitar and sing.
Ask Hep if I should be very careful and keep the
relationship to music please.
I'm gonna tend to want to be a father figure since
Audrey never knew hers and she's been told he held a
gun to Audrey's head when she was born but I don‚t;'
think the father/daughter relationship will be the
right way to go about it. I think I want to know her
till I die and I have no other friends in town.
We love you Paula and listen to Wait Wait in hopes of
catching you.
ROB, ROB, ROB,
I am flattered that you like my sense of humor and
that you listen to Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me."
Hep shed a bit when I read her your note. Cats do
that when they get nervous. She wonders why a guy who
walks enough to get pneumonia, plays the guitar and
sings, plus has enough money to afford a Mozart music
box and disinfectant wipes has no friends. She said I
should ask you how well you play the guitar and if
they were off brand wipes.
She says that the Audrey-Father-daughter-love-whatever
are the mad ravings of a man who's had the catnip
mouse in his mouth too long.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: GLORIA
FROM: AMBOISE, FRANCE
DEAR HEPCAT,
I have two of your race and hope to end my life in a
house with a minimum of 40 cats to get the title,
Crazy old cat-lady dies in house surrounded by cats.
Do you think 40 is the minimum number or should I have
a higher goal?
GLORIA,
Are you really in France? Hep loves all things
French. She ate the hair off of the Madeline doll.
She likes to make me Miserables.
She says that you're assuming you'll die with forty
cats. There is a far more horrific alternative and
that's living with forty cats.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: HEATHER and JORN
FROM: ORLANDO, FLORIDA
DEAR PAULA and HEP,
We recently adopted William, and added him to the
existing household consisting of Pip and Stripey.
There's been a bit of a power struggle/coup with
regards to the role of Alpha Cat. My fiancé and I
refuse to run or finance election campaigns, and since
NONE of these cats should be appointed by divine
providence, we thought we'd ask Hep to decide. Or
flip a coin, whichever is easier. Thank you so very
much for the amazing Tampa Bay performance!
HEATHER, JORN, PIP, STRIPEY, AND WILLIAM,
I'm never quite sure who the duly elected leader is
among our eleven. There must be an election coming up
soon though, because I heard a debate in the ballroom
last night around 2:00 AM. Both candidates were under
a table puffed up, growling, with their ears back and
a paw in the air, when I turned on the light. I
thought it was an odd format.
I'm sure you guys will have it all worked out long
before we post this which is good because Hep is at
her French lesson now and is therefore unavailable for
comment.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: MONICA
FROM: SAVANNAH, GEORGIA
DEAR HEP,
I woke up last night and found my 3 cats reading your
articles. In short, I have learned to turn off my
computer at night and that yes, somehow they could
have more disdain for me. Anyway, I just wanted to
ask with everything looking so bright for democrats,
what fatal error will we make to lose the white house
again and can it be avoided?
MONICA,
Hep wonders what lenses you're wearing that make
things look bright for the Democrats. She says that
just because Brittle draws scorn for dragging chicken
bones out of the trash can doesn't mean Laurel shines
for pulling the foam out of the office chair.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: MATTHEW
FROM: ST. CATHERINES, CANADA
DEAR HEPPY,
Will I ever have sex with my current girlfriend? And
if so when? I'm getting very impatient.
DEAR MATTHEW,
Hep wondered aloud if you send these kind of emails to
your current girlfriend. She says that could explain
the delay.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: ANDREW
FROM: PHILADELPHIA, PA
DEAR HEP,
Do you know a plant that can survive in a dank room
that receives very little straight-ahead sunlight?
I'm looking at the city right now, and I'd rather look
at a pretty flower.
Goodbye for meow.
DEAR ANDREW,
Hep says, as if I didn't know, that she has eaten
every flower we've ever had in our house. She wasn't
aware they were supposed to survive.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: CAROL
FROM: CLEVELAND, OHIO
DEAR HEP,
I have two cats that I named after seeing "Pirates of
the Caribbean-Curse of the Black Pearl" (twenty-two
times in the theater). I named one after Johnny Depp's
character, Sparrow, and the other after his favorite
word, Savvy. The one named Sparrow thinks she really
is a pirate. Should I seek pet therapy for her, or
should I just hide my valuables?
DEAR CAROL,
Hep couldn't get beyond the part where you saw that
movie twenty-two times in the theater. That's gotta
be over $1,000 in popcorn alone. I can't imagine
that much unidentifiable sticky stuff on my shoes and
when I explained how that happens Hep winced as though
I had pulled her whiskers, although I never would.
I watch the same Columbo night after night to fall
asleep (the Robert Culp), but I don't sit through
previews, park, or risk walking out with a napkin
stuck to my shoe.
Hep says that for no money at all you can look out the
window at night and get freaked out by your own
reflection. She's surprised that you think it's the
cats who need therapy.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: MELISSA
FROM: EVERETT, WA
DEAR HEP CAT,
I have a girly kitty named Honey. The vet says she's
anywhere from 10 to 16 years old. She's doing weird
things like yelling while she drags socks, shirts,
pants into the living room. I praise her because it
seems the right thing to do. What is old girly
thinking? Thank you in advance for your insite.
DEAR MELISSA,
Hep wants to know if that's the same Honey who used to
work at Nordstrom's?
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: RICHARD
FROM: SANTA BARBARA, CA
DEAR HEP,
I'm in a literature class filled with beautiful young
Women, but I'm really attracted to my teacher, who is
in her mid forties and married. What should I do Hep?
DEAR RICHARD,
Hep says that because she is fixed, she is able to
just focus on the literature in her class.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: HEMI
FROM: SARASOTA, FLORIDA
YO, HEP!
How U Doin? My name is Hemi, my pops gave me that
name cause I have extra toes. Hemingways cats do. So
anyways whats new which you? I hope you didn't get
any of dat tainted food! That was some bad news! I
told my pops he should start feeding me fresh fish
everyday just to be safe but he didn't go for it. LOL
So anyways here's my question:
What do I have to do to get wit you! wooo hooo.
Na just kiddin.
What don't paula have no videos on youtube? huh?
Love ya.
DEAR HEMI,
Not to gross you out, but Hep vomits her food back up
again so fast it never occurred to me to worry about
whether it was tainted. It's just not in her long
enough to kill her, besides I got some excellent
bargains on recalled food in bulk. Your note was the
first she had heard about the existence of tainted pet
food.
Now she's mad at me and won't come out from behind the
chair to answer the question about my videos on
youtube. I can tell you that I think there are some.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: CINDY
FROM: DUBUQUE, IOWA
HI, HEPPY,
You have a particularly sleek and alert appearance.
Are you from Iowa? My husband is from Iowa and tells
me that all alert people come from here. I don't know
if that applies to cats.
DEAR CINDY,
Hep simply glowed when I read her your note. She says
it's possible that she's from Iowa, in fact, after
insisting that I read your note again, she said she's
pretty sure she is from Iowa.
I can't help wondering how small your computer screen
is.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: SUE
FROM: DAVENPORT, IOWA
DEAR HEP,
I have 2 e-mail addresses, and I put one in the name
of one of my cats Rocky. Before the last big
election, we were surprised to see that Rock was
getting e-mail after e-mail from Bruce Braley, who was
running for Congress. Rocky is not a Democrat. After
all, everyone knows cats are independent. Anyway, are
you at all politically active? Braley did win, so I
was also wondering if you've noticed any other
candidates trying to get that crucial kitty vote?
DEAR SUE,
Although certainly not sleep and alert enough to be
from Iowa, Hep has long followed Bruce Braley. She
regrets that he would deny any sort of amnesty for
illegal immigrants, but welcomes his efforts on
children's health care.
She says not every politician has the wisdom to seek
the kitty vote. There can be drawbacks of course.
She says the promise of a ball with a bell in it in
every home clouds the vision of most feline voters on
every issue but global warming.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: RACHEL
FROM: LINCOLN, NEBRASKA
DEAR HEP,
Happy belated rabbit day! Hope U and your's had a
good one. You apparently r a cat person so I have a
few questions. My cat (Emmitt) is the devil. First
of all he lyed about his gender for two and a half
months. I picked out a cute little white cat with big
blue eyes and pink nose and ears and was told she was
a girl. I named "her" Emma. He, she was on my lap
when I discovered the truth, Emma was a Emmitt. She
was the perfect cat up until that point, the willy
didn't stop me from loving the faker, but he knew the
jig was up, he was busted.
I haven't been around a lot of cats but Emmitt is odd
or crazy. He climbs up door frames, he literally
scales the door frame, uses his paws to move to the
middle of the frame and does a weird cat pullup thing.
He talks back, sharpens his claws in the tub (I was
considering attaching green scrubby things to his
paws) hauls a ball around the house like he's a dog
and stashes stuff in the shower so when I turn on the
shower it gets stuck in the drain. I have now became
a pro at plumbing. He has even jumped onto the back
of the couch meyoed to get my attention and as soon as
I looked at him he looked at the pic on the wall and
knocked it down with his dirty little cat paw. He
also uses the back porch railing as a jungle gym (I
have pics and the people I show them to agree that
he's not normal).
So is this natural or do I have a VERY special (CRAZY)
cat?
He is now sleeping with his little pink tongue
sticking out of his mouth looking like an angel, but I
know better.
Have a Day!
DEAR RACHEL,
Hep smirked when I read her the part about Emmitt
knocking a picture off your wall. She said there's
hardly a cat in our house that hasn't laid a paw on my
framed 101 Dalmations poster in the livingroom. So, I
guess that part's not exactly a rare trait among
felines.
She said she thought pulling up on the door frame and
the back porch railing seems unusual, but the truth is
we have no cats fit enough to pull up on anything but
the side of the cat dish.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: Anna
FROM: Phoenix, AZ
Hi Heppy:
Do cats hallucinate? I mean, why do things seem so
normal and calm, and then all of a sudden, a cat will leap up with this look that on me would mean "Holy Christ, I left the oven on!" and go tearing off into another room to hide under a bed. I mean, really.
Anna:
Hep says that sometimes cats become overwhelmed by
their fears of global warming.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: Wendy
From: Glenndale, MD
Dear Hep:
Do you think cats will suffer from global warming?
WENDY:
Hep says that cats are already suffering from global
warming. She says that it is the single greatest
threat to civilization that we face and that cats
think about it a lot. Sometimes they hide under beds.
She says that's why they get nervous in cars. I had
no idea. She said that if I had a bed she'd hide
under it.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: Midge
FROM: Portland, OR
Dear Heppy:
My handsome three-legged Siamese, Maxwell, is sending
me mixed messages. I need an interpreter! When I pet
him, his motor runs loud and clear. But he's flicking
his tail at the same time like he's annoyed with me!
Is he simply multi-tasking and flicking at flies or is
there something I need to know?
Midge:
My sister Patty had a Midge doll when we were little
and my Siamese cat King Tut chewed it's upper torso,
so I think its especially brave of you to own a
Siamese. Hep says that cats love to be pet. It makes
them feel peace, pleasure and happiness. She says they often savagely attack the person petting them because, like humans, cats can only tolerate so much
peace, pleasure and happiness, which is a lucky break
for the dominatrix industry.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: Enzo
FROM: Seattle, WA
Hi Hep:
I need to adjust my diet and loose some weight. I've
been exercising more, but have a hard time cutting out
the chicken and the cheetos. Are there any low fat
health foods that taste like Cheetos and fried
chicken.?
Enzo:
Hep says she has licked every food that has sat on our
kitchen counter for more than a second without an
armed sentry protecting it and she does not know of
any low fat health food that tastes like Cheetos and
fried chicken. She also wants to know what low fat
health food is?
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: Keith
FROM: Kansas City, Missouri
What's the best way to control mice in the garage
without using poison that might transfer to my cats or
dog?
Keith:
Hep wants to know, if the cats are in the garage, why
you would need poison to get rid of mice. She says
don't worry about the dog.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: JoAnne
FROM: Darien, IL
Dear Hep:
Do you know why cats love grass (the lawn variety) so
much? You eat it and then throw it up while
running through the house. Do you think there are not
enough green stains on the carpet or do you have a
mouse rib stuck in your throat?
Also my Lurleen Marie (a sexy 13 year old Tortie)
would like a date with you. She loves your eyes and
thinks they would accent her collar.
If not, then she wonders if she could get a pawtograph
(and if you could rub on it a bit she'd be thrilled!).
JoAnne:
Hep says, and I've long suspected this, that nothing
makes her feel less at home than clean carpet. Being an indoor cat, she says that although she's curious
about this grass she sees from the window, it's
probably no better or worse than the Meow Mix or
whatever that bright orange kibble is that she
regularly hurls onto our rug.
In fact, as I write this, my cat Deacon (who is part
moose and named after Richard Deacon) is making
choking sounds while resting on the chair beside me,
and she's too fat to even perch at the window to look
at the grass.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: Cameron
FROM:
Prague, OK
Dear Heppy:
I can't afford to put 20% down. My broker says it
will cost less to take out a combination first and
second mortgage, where the second would provide
another 10% down, than to put 10% down on a first
mortgage and mortgage insurance premiums. He says
that even though the rate on the second is high, I'll
come out ahead because the interest on the second is
deductible. Mortgage insurance premiums are not. Is
he right?
Cameron:
Hep rents.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: Jodi
FROM: Eagan, MN
Hi, Hep:
My cat, Salem, meows too much. Don't get me wrong, I
love that he's vocal, but no amount of attention seems
to be enough!
Help Hep!!!!
Jodi:
Hep says, if there were such a thing as enough
attention, there'd be a standard measure for it, like
a cup of water or a pound of cat food. One could have
a cat full of attention, but there's no such thing.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: John
FROM: Washington, DC
Hi, Hep:
Thanks for everything - and the opportunity to get
Hep's advice.
My question is - and don‚t get me wrong, I'm not a
cynic - if prayer works, why doesn't someone pray for
world peace!
I don't pray because I'm an atheist, but I heard it
works. What does Hep think of all this?
Please extend my thanks to Hep for his comments.
And thanks to you, Paula! Please know you are loved
greatly!
John:
Hep lives in a mixed household. I am an atheist, but
as you can see our cat Jem is deeply religious. We
try to allow everyone their own beliefs.
Hep wrestles with these deep questions like any Tabby.
For example, we have the The Irish Rovers, Greatest
Hits CD in the kitchen with the song about Noah
collecting the animals two by two according to God's
wishes, but being unable to capture the unicorns and Hep wonders why we play it.
By the way, in my opinion most people couldn't
tolerate peace.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: Susan
FROM: San Francisco, CA
Hey Hepcat ,
My own cat, Macintosh, is a very bossy brown tabby.
What can I do to curb this?
Susan,
Hep says don't do what your cat says.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: Helen
FROM: Vallejo, CA
Dear Hep ,
My cat swallowed a feather. I didn’t see him swallow
it but I know he did because I saw it sticking out of
his butt. I got a paper towel and tried to pull it
out, but it just made his eyes bug out. What should I
do?
Helen,
Hep says try to get him to flap.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: Dottie the Cat
FROM: Indianapolis, IN
Dear Hep ,
My family is moving and I'm afraid I won't like my new
home. How shall I prepare myself?
Dottie the Cat,
Hep says you might consider hiding behind some dusty
pipes in the new dwelling and then peeing in an
undisclosed location so that everytime your owner’s enter their home they practically
hyperventilate trying to find the source of the bad
smell. . She says it's
always worked for her.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: Michael
FROM: Seattle, WA
Hello Hep,
My housecat Pokey instructed me to forward this note,
or risk having another Italian leather sofa shredded.
Pokey noted that Paula is coming to Seattle in a
couple of weeks, and Pokey would like to see the show.
Could Hep provide some advice on how to gain lawful
admission into the theater for a fun-loving, talkative, and fully
adorable housecat?
And Pokey also wonders if Paula is kind enough to let
Hep travel with her, being the favorite and all.
Michael,
Hep is on the FBI no fly list.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
NAME: Suellen
FROM: Tacoma, WA
Dear Hepcat,
I love the way my carpet looks right after I vacuum,
but then my cats, Madison and Emily, walk all over it
and get their paw-prints everywhere! How can I get
them to stop? Your reply is greatly anticipated.
Thank you. Suellen (We got tickets to Paula's Seattle
show on Friday the 13th of April!!!! All our life
goals have now been completed.)
Suellen,
Hep says feed Madison and Emily feathers and then try
to get them to flap.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Shelby in Shalem, VA
Dear Heppy:
Will I have sex before I get married?
Dear Shelby:
Hopefully.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Carrie
Dear Heppy:
We have four cats. At what point are you considered a "cat nut?" I just want to know so that I can stop one short.
P.S. The last cat we adopted is a FIV, hyperthyroid cat that we have to keep separate from the others. Does she count as more than one?
Dear Carrie:
You can have any amount of cats and still be sane, but Hep says, when you begin writing to one you're certifiable.
Write again soon.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Jokitty in Corvallis, OR
Dear Hep Cat:
I have this really big cat named Monster and he has the longest tail in the history of the world. Sometimes he curls it around my neck when I am sitting on the couch. Is his tail moving independently of his body or is he trying to kill me? What is it with him stalking me till I clean the kitty pooper? Doesn't he understand I have other things to do?
Dear Jokitty:
Hep says, and I agree, that there is nothing more important than cleaning the litter boxes, unless it's cleaning out the lizard tank.
She also says that no cat controls their own tail and then her tail poked her in the eye.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Jay in West Hollywood, CA
Dear Hep,
My cat, Chloe, has an affinity for the heater in our bathroom. Whenever I enter the room, she stands in front of the heater and meows until I turn it on. When the heater is turned on, she sits in front of it, staring at it, transfixed, as if looking for the answers to the great mysteries of kitty life.
Hep, what is Chloe seeing in the heater that interests her so?
Dear Jay:
Heat.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Cynthia in W. Henrietta, NY
Dear Hepcat,
Hepcat, when I scritch my fingers down the spine of any cat that I have ever met, inevitably they will arch their back in apparent ecstasy.
Am I right about this? Is this exercise the cause of feline delight and pleasure? Or am I really mistaken and should never do this again? My name for it: Kitty Spine Tinglers.
Dear Cynthia:
Hep says keep doing it.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: RM Watts in New Orleans, LA
Dear Hepcat,
My cat, Roy Batty, stayed behind when we evacuated for Hurricane Katrina. There was over 9 feet of water in our street & Batty survived by climbing into the walls and living in the ceiling. He was up there for 2 weeks and took a long time to forgive us. We now call him The Cat Who Lived. My question is what to do if we have to evacuate for another storm. We have two dogs, one of whom Batty puts up with & the other he despises. He also hates the car and I worry if we evacuated with him he'd just run off the first chance he got.
Thanks.
Dear RM Watts:
First of all, Hep and I both sincerely apologize for our almost F.E.M.A. response time to your question. We're sorry, RM, for how you suffered in this disaster and, Batty, for whatever disgusting things you may have found in the ceiling, although it's probably not half as bad as what you left.
I was reluctant to read your question to Hep for fear that she'd realize that we have no viable disaster plan. Since I read it to her, I can tell that she has put her own plan in place. Every few nights my cats have a drill where they hide in the Tupperware cabinet and count off.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Tim in Dallas, TX
Dear Hep,
Catnip flavored Pop Tarts.
What do you think?
Dear Tim:
I read Hep your note. We both made a gagging noise.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From Michael
Dear Heppy,
My boyfriends cat "Fisher" likes to put her butt in my face when I'm watching tv. Why do you think that is? Do any of the other 9 cats you live with do this to Paula or the kids?
Dear Michael:
Hep says there was a study where one group of people stared at tv 3 hours each night and another group stared at a cat's butt. The cat's butt people lost weight. Aren't you lucky that your boyfriend's cat cares about you.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Cathy
I have a cat just like Hep! I just wanted to say you’re the best and I once was a heavy drinker, etc. Can't wait to see you on stage.
To: Cathy
Hep says she doesn't drink.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Sharilyn Osburn
I think you are absolutely hilarious. What tapes do you have and how can I get them. Sorry, um hep, where can I get Paula's tapes. And is she coming to Ohio ever.
Thanks, Sharilyn
To: Sharilyn
Hep says that she could care less about my tapes or whether I go to Ohio, so long as theirs food in her bowl, but that suitable for framing 3x5 photographs of herself are available for the asking.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Scott Gilbert
Hey, Hepcat - my cat, Jack, decapitates mice and leaves the bloody carcass on my pillow in the middle of the night - is there any way to curb this gruesome behavior?
To: Scott
Hep says get rid of your pillow.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Jennifer Gates
We recently went through a strange experience with a member of your species. After dutifully reporting every morning and every night for years for morning and evening feedings, 2.5 months ago, they disappeared! A posting came out on the Animal Shelter website that an animal with the same coloring and approx age had been run over by a car and picked up across the street from our address. We resigned ourselves to the fact that they were not coming back. Then suddenly, this morning, they reappeared (much thinner but certainly them). My question is: I know cats have nine lives. How can I tell how many they have left?
To: Jennifer
Hep says you can find out how many lives a cat has left by cutting them in half and counting the rings, but that if they were at eight you're screwed.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Bruce of San Luis Obispo
Hi! I'm in a 12 step program for recovering Republicans. It's a small group and relapse is high; especially when Turner re-plays "Patton" or anything that stars Charlton Heston (10 Commandments is a real trigger for most). Only by attending daily meetings and practicing random acts of senseless kindness do we avoid the paranoid, Neantdathal like thought processes that my homegroup refers to as "stinking thinking".
But I digress…
My question to Hep is this:
I've heard rumors recently that George W. is the end product of a 30 year, highly secretive program of genetic engineering. Rumor has it that George Jr. is the result of a selective breeding program using primarily first cousins. Neither Drudge nor Smoking Gun seem to have picked up on this, but it would certainly explain a great deal of recent events.
I know that this is a question that requires a bit of critical thinking, but I trust that Hep is up to the challenge. Besides she probably has more time on her paws to do the research than most. Thanks.
To: Bruce of San Luis Obispo
Hepcat got a kick out of your letter because she loves to make fun of humans. She says that whether the president was cloned, genetically engineered of came free in a box of Lucky Charms, the fact is Americans elected him twice. She says voting is no way to select a leader. A real leader, Hep says, is the member of the group who most often holds the head of another with their front paws while kicking it with their back paws.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Pez
Could you please ask Hep a question for me? I would like to know whether Hep ever performs with you? (Though I do realize if she were on stage also, it would really be "you" performing with "her"). If she didn't like the smell of so many humans in one place, she could teleconference in, or even call in on the phone.
Please tell her that I am so excited to have gotten the best seats in the house for your performance in Tucson in September, and I do hope that Hep will consider coming too. I'd so like to see her live. And you, too, of course.
Yours, hers, etc.
To: Pez
With the exception of singing near the shower, Hep does very little performing.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Hans Gronkvst
Can you tell me why my cat Nene prefers to sleep on the door mat, considering that there are cleaner places in my house?
P.S. Listen to Wait Wait every Sunday morning on my computer.
To: Hans
This behavior puzzled Hep. She says normally, if there are any clean places in a house a cat would sleep on them just to mess them up. She said that cats in Sweden may be different because their pancakes are so thin.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Michael Rothbaum
My friend has a cat that she named "Spot," merely because of a spot on the cat's very cute face.
But…. being encumbered with what is traditionally a dog's name has left Spot with a number of canine characteristics… namely, Spot comes when called, sits and stands on his hind legs when commanded.
So, Hep--are most cats constitutionally unable to do these things, or are they simply too proud to bother? Are you proud of kitties who can manage such feats, or are they merely violating the International Feline Code?
To: Michael
Hepcat puffed up when I read her your letter. She said if she could get her front paws on Spot's head she'd kick it with her hind paws.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Lori
Date: October 4, 2004
My birthday is coming up in late January, and for my birthday celebration, I am going to see your mommy at McCurdy's Comedy Club in Sarasota, Florida. What are the odds she might do me the honor of signing a Pop-Tarts box for me?
To: Lori
When Hepcat realized she missed your birthday three years in a row, she coughed up a fur ball.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
From: Sleidy
Heppy, describe your ideal date.
To: Sleidy
I never thought of Hepcat as romantic, but it's clear she has been thinking about this for years, maybe since Lori's birthday in 2004.
She was cleaning her belly when I asked her, she stopped with one hind leg sticking up in the air and spoke softly with a far away look in her eye.
She said on her ideal date, after an hour or two of chasing a ball with a bell in it around the house, she and her special someone would knock "Call Of The Wild and Stuart Little off of the bookshelf and the climb in the cabinet with the Tupperware bowls in the kitchen and spill all of the lids out onto the floor. Then she stopped talking and just stared into space. When I checked back an hour later, her hind leg was still in the air.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
Name: Sully Bonn
Date: 4/6/05
I have a 5 l/2 year old "tuxedo" cat named Alfredo (he's a tenor). He hates my husband, can't stand to be in the same room with him. I've had Eric for 26 years so I can't put him up for adoption. What can I do to make these two guys get along? Help!
DEAR SULLY BONN:
Beethoven's mother, who lived in Bonn, Germany told a neighbor girl that marriage was a "misery." Hep says that, although it's a long shot, Alfredo may be a direct descendant of the wise Mrs. B. and suggests you get him a piano.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
Name: kelli
Date: 4/8/05
I would ask my own cats about this, but their vocabulary is limited to "ME!" and "NOW!" (Perhaps they have nothing else to say.) Anyway, how would they know the answer to this question? Hep seems better informed.
We are fans of Science Court and wonder if the show's connection to Wichita is real, or coincidental, or imaginary. That big round squigglevision building by the river -- the one with the blue roof? That's ours. How did it make it onto the show? We've been CURIOUS for a long time now. (And Clara says you should answer ME. NOW.) I, being more polite, thank you for your time and consideration.
DEAR KELLI:
Hep has never seen " Science Court." I can't get her interested in any part of my career, even an animated fun show that teaches real scientific principals.
Unfortunately, I don't know the answer to your question either. It might be set in Wichita. I love it there. On the other hand, I don't drive a motorcycle in real life and my hair is not blue - so it's not all based on fact. Hep won't even look at pictures of me. My Manager, Bonnie just looked at this and says you could call the production company that did the show, ask for the creators, and ask them. The company is Tom Snyder Productions (now called Soup 2 Nuts), 617 926 6000.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
Name: Psychotic Goddess Wanna-be
Date: 4/10/05
Hepster...
Just curious about who stays with you when your roommate, Paula, is out of town?
Tell the roommate...AWESOME Laugh down at the KAN---ASSSSSSSS performance.....
DEAR PSYCHOTIC GODDESS WANNA-BE,
Beautiful name. Hep says she doesn't really care if I stay home with her or not.. Our babysitter pets her more than I do, but I also think Hepcat is a little jealous of my career. I was hoping she could be happy for me.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
Name: Colleen
Date: 4/16/05
I need to know...why do cats sometimes do that "running around very fast for no reason at all" thing?
DEAR COLLEEN:
Hep says, "What do you mean 'for no reason at all'?"
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
Name: Jill
Date: 4/16/05
Dear Hep-
I have a three year old cat named Serena who is very sweet to me but rather aggressive with anyone else who comes in the house - even those people who live there too (my husband and daughter). I think she is ready to assert her dominance on another cat and think we should get her a kitten, what do you think?
Thanks Hep!
Jill
DEAR JILL,
Hep points out that if Serena eats the kitten it'll keep her off your husband and daughter. That might work. She also suggests you might just visit your husband and daughter on the weekend.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
Name: Molly
Date: 4/10/05
Hello Hep Cat and Paula,
I have just a few questions. First, and this is to be directed to Hep herself, how do you get along with all those other animals - especially the other cats? My two cats hate each other to the point of drawing blood. Any input would be greatly appreciated as you appear to be very wise and puffy.
Also - if you had a great job opportunity in Cleveland, Ohio - would you move there? Or is it a lame city?
Thanks so much! (And Paula, I've just started watching Home Movies with my sweetheart - you were awesome!!)
My best regards and a kiss on the nose of Hep Cat,
Molly
DEAR MOLLY:
First of all, Hep thanks you for the kiss on the nose that I was forced to administer. She didn't respond quickly to your query because she really doesn't know much about relocating. She has always been in Santa Monica, although she has switched houses twice. She hopes that, if you do move to Cleveland, you remember to hide behind a chair and puff up as soon as you get there.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
Name: Katryn Richardson & Ed Wrobel
Date: 3/20/05
We have a 15-yr-old cat named C.B. (Cyrano de Bergerac). He is a large cat, and in pretty good health now that we finally found the right amount of medication to control his seizures. However, he seems to be EXTREMELY particular about certain things, food being one of them. Could Hep Cat please tell us how to get him to let us know which flavor food he wants BEFORE we open the can?? This one thing would save so much money from the cat food budget that we might actually be able to buy a new litter box AND take a vacation!! Please help! Katryn and Ed
DEAR KATRYN & ED,
Hep lives with an older cat, Annabelle, who has bad teeth. She is a picky eater, but it turns out it's the texture of the food that she often refuses and not the flavor. So, Hep recommends that you get your 15-year-old cat smushy food or smush it yourself - or send it to Hep, who will eat it without complaint.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
Name: Larry
Date: 3/18/05
hey hep...btw, do the others tease you about your name?....i can hear it now....."hey!.....stay away from him...you'll catch hep c!"....or, if you are out too long in the summer heat, do you get a Kat Hepburn?....oh, i am off the subject at hand....anyway, hep, remember when there were those commercials for Meow Mix where they had the cats "dancing" by editing the film forward and backward in a hurky-jerky fashion?....wasn't that just demeaning?.....why was it that none of you spoke up and demanded that the ad be pulled?.....it made your whole species look rather foolish, don't you think?..... anyway, hep, it was probably before your time, but do you think the cat family is owed some type of reparation for all the pain and oppression?.....curious....oh, i hope you will give an honest answer about the ad EVEN IF you still enjoy the Meow Mix....i mean, you gotta eat somethin, y'know....especially when your appetite’s pokin at ya, pokin at ya.....
xo....larry
DEAR LARRY,
Hep says that the Meow Mix commercials went largely unscrutinized because some cats do dance. The cat litter commercials, however, depicting cats mouths in a shape as though making an "oooh" sound and their elbows bent sideways were boycotted by nearly every feline. Not one cat bought that cat litter. Cat activism is a powerful force.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: Pilar Johnson
DATE: 3/18/05
HELLO:
I've been luring my neighbor's cat into my house with cat treats. She comes in the house, walks around, attacks the carpet, but refuses to sit on my lap and be patted. Any tips on how to get her to sit and watch tv with me?
Pilar
P.S. I'm not creepy or anything.
PILAR,
Hep says she knows you're not creepy and, of course, you know you're not creepy, but just in case someone else doesn't know, maybe you should leave off "luring"
anyone into your house.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: Cindy Reuss
DATE: 3/18/05
HELLO HEP CAT,
I have two cats, (both female), one is very sweet and docile and the other is very funny and jealous. I love them both, but the funny/jealous cat (Tess) is always beating up the sweet/docile cat (Saki), especially if I pet Saki. How do I get Tess to stop being so mean? By the way, Tess talks to me all the time, but won't discuss this topic with me. I've told Saki to let Tess have it and maybe then Tess would quit picking on her. How can I convice Tess that I still love her even when i give some attention to Saki? By the way, I have had Saki longer than I have had Tess.
Can't wait to hear your advice.
Cindy
CINDY,
As I read Hep your note her head moved thoughtfully back and forth struggling to keep Saki and Tess, Tess and Saki straight. Tess came first? Saki came first?
I read it to her over and over. She finally said, "Tell them to send me a dollar. That'll help."
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: Sally Senger
DATE: 2/18/05
HEP:
My name is Mickey. I'm a beautiful white cat belonging to the Sengers. But I am also a bully. I chase my brothers out of their special places and just can't help it. How can I stop doing this? I also have Sally trained to remove the top from the fancy kitty litter box so I can go. I don't like the top on it.
Sometimes I wake her up to do this but she ignores me which isn't very nice. I think I'll report her to the ASPCA, what do you think?
My owner saw your show at McCurdy's in Sarasota and says she absolutely loved every minute. You actually talked to her and she about fainted she told me. I hope you come to Florida again soon so she will be out of the house for at least 2 hrs!
Mickey
MICKEY:
Hep says there's nothing wrong with rousting fellow cats. She does also wonder about anybody who would faint from talking to me. She says your owner might have swallowed a kids toy or eaten a bad bug.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: Chuck
DATE: 2/13/05
DEAR HEPPY:
I am allergic to cats and it dismays me greatly. I love cats! Hep, can cats can have allergies to people? I'm really just curious if we humans are pretty much alone in this humilating and debilitating disorder.
Chuck
CHUCK:
Our cat Balou was allergic to cat fur. She suffered.
Hep says she doesn't know of a cat with an allergy to people, but that in Europe, in the middle ages, people were afraid of cats and that she might have been happier then.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: Katz
DATE: 3/25/05
HEP:
Why does my cat, Yogi, attack my shoes when I start to leave the house? He also gets in the window and watches me leave. Sometimes he also runs through the house and makes "roaring" sounds. When he does this, I half expect him to pound his chest. He's that ferocious when he does that. What's up with him?
Katz
KATZ,
I read Hep your note. She reminded me that she has studied feline behavior for years, which I know from the books all over the floor. Based on years of research and anecdotal study, she says, "Yogi likes you to stay home."
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: EDDIE
DATE: 2/8/05
DEAR HEP,
#1 How did you get your name? or did I not read enough of the website where dodos like me would have found out eventually?
#2 My mother still does the avocado seed thing in the glass with toothpicks and I agree with Paula that it is some sort of voodoo doll of my dad drowning!
#3 I have a backstage pass along with my husband, (yes, husband!) Brad, at the Regent theater in Arlington on March 19th. Would your mother mind terribly to sign the first cassette I bought (back in the 80's)? I had never heard of Diane Ford, Paula Poundstone, or Cathy Ladman, but it seems your mom has stood the test of time. At least popularity-wise. I thought the other 2 comics were both terrific, but they can't beat your Mom. I'll bring a pen and I promise not to sell it on eBay or something... I'd never part with something I've had for almost twenty years!!
#4 I'm going on too much... but one more question.
Perhaps I should save it for March 19th. When will the (horribly short) "Paula Poundstone Show" come to dvd? Such an injustice!!
Brad and I are opening a movie store in Arlington in March and want to stock plenty of whatever your mom is involved in!
"Oh great Hep Cat, give the knowledge, I beg of thee!!"
Thanks for the time!
Eddie
EDDIE:
Hep Cat says she has always been Hep Cat and can't really think of herself any other way.
I'm the star of a 3D sci-fi movie made in the early 80's at the Earl Owensby Studios in Shelby, North Carolina. On the DVD cover there is a scantily clad woman who was not in the film. They didn't even have the courtesy to use her body and my head. Hep suggested you find that for your movie store. I can't tell if she knows it's not me on the cover.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: EDWARD
DATE: MARCH 28, 2005
DEAR HEPPY:
My wife and I lost our two elder cats in January (one was 10 the other 15). We are currently catless and looking. (Our house is so empty w/o cats - worse than when the children left home).
We have checked shelters, and other places to adopt new cats (preferably litter mates). Do you know any cats that might need a good loving home so they can be completely spoiled and loved?
Oh and PS: Yes, we'll be seeing Paula when she comes to Wichita in April.
EDWARD:
Hep says she knows seven cats that need a new home.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: BARB ANDERSON
DATE: MARCH 18, 2005
DEAR HEP AND PAULA:
My Maine Coon, Max, is very cute and cuddly but has gone WAY beyond being a cat. As a matter of fact, we don't think he's a cat any longer, we're not sure what he is! He rolls on his back, spread eagle, and 'talks -meeee-ow!' until you rub his belly and he doesn't want you to stop. He's beginning to act more and more like a Dog. We're confused. What's your take on this?
BARB:
Hep says if you think being a dog is "way beyond"
being a cat, you've mounted your evolutionary scale poster upside down. Doesn't it seem odd that all of the species are on their heads?
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: CHRISTINE
DATE SENT: Jan. 20, 2005
DEAR HEP AND PAULA:
How can you stand to have ten cats? I couldn't stand
having one around. They're so aloof! I have two
gorgeous little dogs--Gidgie and Phoebe and they're
fabulous. What I want to know is why is it that cats
get nine lives and dogs only get one?
Christine
p.s. Paula-- looking forward to seeing you in Hamilton, Ontario
in April.
CHRISTINE:
Hep was upset by your note. She said, "What is this?
Pick on Hep week?" She pointed out, though I
certainly needed no reminder, that she rests with her
paws on my windpipe every night when I read to the
kids. Hardly aloof. She said she thought Canadians
were supposed to be nice.
I said Canadians are nice, but that some of them have
little dogs named Gidgie and Phoebe and that can mess
a person up a bit.
I'm looking forward to seeing you in Hamilton.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
p.s. Hep says the 9 lives thing is hardly scientific.
FROM: JAMES FROST
DATE SENT: March 11, 2005
HEPCAT, SHHHHHHHH.
I know I've been peppering you with questions, but I
really need your help with this one.
What does Paula like to read? Stories?
Biographies? Geopolitical history? Early nuclear
biophysics?
Help!! Help me.
*sounds of pitiful whining and embarrassing
helplessness*
JAMES:
Hep says she has only seen me read kids books for
about the last eight years. She said she loved the
feel of my windpipe beneath her paws during much of
the Harry Potter series.
She has seen lots of biographies, history books,
political science books, Charles Dickens and Wodehouse
in my carry-on luggage, but that anytime I have looked
like I might sit in a chair and read to myself she
throws up.
My leisure time makes her nauseous.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: CHUCK
DATE SENT: Jan. 31, 2005
HEY, HEP:
I wrote to you awhile back, but I think the message
got lost when your mommy was so busy making us humans
laugh. Many of us listen to her on “Wait, Wait, Don't
Tell Me,” a show like a TV show but it's on radio so
there's no pictures. Do you listen to radio? If so,
do you listen to that ass Howard Stern? Anyways, that
wasn't really supposed to be my question. It's about
my pet tortoise. My kids (nearly the same as the
kids you put up with at home) would like a new pet,
preferably a cat. But our tortoise is really small.
Do cats like tortoises?
Do cats eat tortoises?
Inquiring Daddy's want to know.
CHUCK:
Hep puffed up when I read her your note. She said she
is not a perfect cat and that she has occasionally
eaten curly ribbon and thrown up for days, that she
has spilled an occasional soda, gotten kitty litter on
the kitchen counter, licked the whipped butter, eaten
my raisin toast and peed out of the litter box, but
that even she would never listen to Howard Stern.
She says she doesn't think she would eat a tortoise,
but that she's not sure since now she's not hungry for
anything. Howard Stern? What were you thinking?
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: MOUSE PAD
DATE SENT: 3/11/05
DEAR HEP:
My (littermate) brother, Lap Top, likes to beat up on
me and chase me around the house. He's smaller than
me, but he's tougher. Why does he insist on being so
mean? I'm the pretty one, by the way. Please help
our people figure LT out.
DEAR MOUSE PAD:
Hep says she thinks Lap Top is probably angry about
being named after a comptuer. She thinks you show
remarkable control.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: DONNIE HURST
DATE SENT: 3/10/05
DEAR HEP:
My place of business acquired 3 new people in the food
chain. A new President, a VP of HR, and a VP of IT.
We have seen a lot of changes including a mini-layoff.
I have a chance to attend a "skip level" meeting where low people on the totem pole can ask questions directly to the new President.
What would you ask?
DONNIE:
I hear about a mini-layoff and my paranoia goes wild.
I'd want to know exactly what they need from me. I'm
Self-employed and I'm often concerned about lay-offs.
Hep said she'd use the meeting as an opportunity to
clarify the company's napping policy.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: RYAN ORVOSH
DATE SENT: 2/16/05
HI, PAULA AND HEP:
I don't get to go out much and recently I missed my
chance in getting tickets to see one of my favorite
comics, Lewis Black, in Pittsburgh. Paula, you being
my other favorite, I wondered if you or Hep had any
idea when you might come to the Pittsburgh area for a
show. If not, does Hep have any other suggestions.
Sincerely,
Ryan
RYAN:
Please continue to check my website for the calendar.
I know I'll be in Pittsburgh sooner or later because I
buy my socks at The Sock Store in the Pittsburgh
airport. What with so often having to remove my shoes
in the security line, I like to have a fashionable
array of socks without holes.
Hep doesn't care where I go.
Thanks for your note.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: ROBERT MERRETT, JR.
DATE: 2/22/05
“Happy Tuesday to You!
Happy Tuesday to You!
HaaaaaaappeeeeeyTuueeeeeeeesssssday Meester HepCat
(you swinging Guy -you)!
Happy Tuesday to You!"
BINO, MISSY AND STINKY BELLE
BINO, MISSY AND STINKY BELLE,
Hep says she's a girl. It's the way cats wear their
hair nowadays. Who can tell?
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: SHERYL CRAWFORD
DATE: 2/26/05
DEAR PAULA AND HEP CAT,
I need Hep Cat's advice. I have a 4 month old kitten
named Toby. He is growing up to be very solid and doesn't
know his own strength. Now when he plays with my 14
year old sheltie, Gabby, he body slams her and knocks
her down. Please ask Hep Cat what I should do.
Thanks, Sheryl
SHERYL:
Hep says, "what's wrong with knocking over a dog?"
FROM: DIANE HONEYCUTT
DATE: 2/19/05
I have 13 indoor cats...most are named after alcohol.
Does this mean I like to drink too much?
DIANE:
Hep fixed me with a withering gaze when I read her
your question. It's a well kept secret, of course,
but I had a drinking problem for a while. Hep hasn't
yet been able to forgive me for the dog I purchased
while drunk. So, it's a bit of a touchy subject. She
suggests that you quit drinking well before you end up
with a viscious cat eater, but I'm sure your little
kitten, Cold Duck, hasn't already given you this word
of caution.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: MEGAN
DATE: 2/14/05
DEAR HEP:
As I was looking over the dates for Paula's tour, I
saw that she was going to be making a stop in
Hamilton, Ontario, which is very close to my hometown. The
problem is that I am a university student, and the
school I go to is several hours away
and I have classes almost right up until the time of
the show...I guess what I am asking is, under the
circumstances, is it okay for me to skip classes to
come home and see the show?
MEGAN:
I felt a bit embarrassed as I read your question to
Hep. I skipped a lot of classes myself. As Hep
pointed out, as tactfully as she is able, I know how
to do nothing --- Zip, Zippo, Nada. She doesn't see
that as something to aspire to and recommends you go
to class. I'll tell you later if I say anything funny
in Hamilton.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: JOHN AND WINNIE
DATE: 2/22/05
DEAR HEP:
Winnie is my youngest of three rescues. She's about
two years old and has large paws, an enormous tail and
long whiskers. I think she was the runt of the
Litter - I thought she would be a BIG cat! My
question is this, her tail is VERY large, and causes
her to lose her balance frequently. Do you think my
other two cats are laughing at her secretly? She does
seem to attack them a lot. Regardless, she is the
poster cat for adoption, believe me! Paula, you are
my hero.
Thanks, Hep!!
JOHN AND WINNIE:
Hep says she can't speak for your cats, but she would
definitely laugh secretly at a cat with an oversized
tail. No question.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: BARBARA
DATE: 2/22/05
DEAR PAULA AND HEP CAT:
I’m going to your show in Toronto in April. Can’t wait!!
Hep, why does my cat Maggie (Maggie the Cat, clever,
eh?), insist on having me in the room with her when
she eats? Whenever she is hungry she will herd me
into the kitchen and then settle down to eat. I’ve
always thought that was odd.
BARBARA:
I hope it's not an inconvenience, but my show in
Toronto has been postponed until June 24th. Hep says
Maggie will have to eat late that night. Then she
asked how big her tail is and stifled a cruel laugh.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: JAN
DATE: 2/18/05
DEAR HEP:
How many fingers am I holding up?
DEAR JAN:
Hep says she has no idea how many fingers you're
holding up, but asked me to ask you how big your tail
is? Then she rolled on the floor pounding a pillow
laughing hysterically.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
FROM: VANESSA HOWER
DATE: 1/21/2005
HELLO, PAULA (and Hepcat),
I have six cats and I am sure at least one of them is making messes (urine) around the house on a regular basis. How do I find out which one(s) are doing it? And then, how do I get them to stop? I also have two dogs.
VANESSA:
I read Hep your question. She was laughing so hard, I could barely make out what she was saying. I think she said, "Just ask them." We have the same frustrating, disgusting problem here. My first reaction was - let the two dogs eat them.
Yours,
FROM: JANE BOZARTH
DATE: 1/23/2005
DEAR HEP:
I have encountered much criticism of MY website seer, Donald the Answer Dog. I can't really understand this as he receives more email than I (although the only answer he ever gives is, "Yes! I want to go for a ride!). I have been advised that the presence of a "talking dog" is "unprofessional" and "bad for business". My question: should I restore him to his previous spot on the home page, or give in to the whims and jealousies of others and keep him out of the limelight on the secondary Web page where he now resides?
Sincerely,
Jane B.
JANE:
Hep says, "What questions could a dog possibly answer?"
Yours,
FROM: VICKI PARDEE
DATE: 1/9/2005
DEAR HEP:
Why do (you) cats always have to barf ON the carpet -- very near the edge, but still ON the carpet? I think
I know why, but am open to outside opinions. And why is the faucet so much better than the "fancy" special cat drinking fountain purchased just for you? Is it the butt on the wall over the sink that you find so appealing? Or your fecal feet on the countertops that you know drives me crazzzzzzy? I think I answered my own question, but am still open to your sage advice.
Sam-a-gram & Betty Poop
VICKI:
Hep says she can't speak for all cats, but that she is highly allergic to clean carpet. She also says that, even if I train her not to get up on the counter when I'm there, that she always will when I'm gone, no matter what I do. Having finally understood this, I am at peace.
Yours,
FROM: BONNIE BURNS
DATE: 2/1/2005
DEAR HEP:
No offense, but my cat Blackie has been working as your front cat (and, incidentally, probably being more polite with people than you would), and so I feel entitled to ask you this:
Blackie fetches. Is this unusual for a cat? I can throw a sparkly pipe cleaner from my daughter’s arts and crafts organizer (impressive, huh?), and Blackie brings it back to me over and over. She'll often just put a pipe cleaner down next to me so that I can throw it for her to bring back. Don't you think this unusual for a cat? Would you say it is a sign of advanced intellect? Just curious.
Incidentally, when you were a young, more svelte kitten (and bouncing off peoples' heads) you ate my favorite sweatshirt. It was really annoying.
Yours sincerely,
Bonnie Burns
Paula's manager
Dear Bonnie:
I don't know if fetching a pipe cleaner is a sign of advanced intellect in any species, but Hep pointed out that if you ever smoke a pipe and need to clean it, Blackie's services will be invaluable.
Yours,
P.S. You shouldn't have left your sweatshirt out.
DATE: 1/16/05
FROM: DAVID WILSON
DEAR HEP:
I want to see your show at McCurdy's next week in
Sarasota, but my wife doesn't want to go to a comedy
club. Any suggestions on getting her to the show?
Thanks.
David
DEAR DAVE:
Hep says you couldn't pay her to go see me, so she
understands your wife's position.
Keeping in mind your needs, however, she suggests you
tell your wife you're taking her to the ballet. I'll
do my best to cover.
P.S. Love endures some.
DATE:
1/2/05
FROM: CONRAD SPOKE
DEAR HEP,
As you know, there are too many varieties of cat litter on the market. Paula has probably told you, on many occasions, how much time she wastes perusing the shelves for some undiscovered combination of scent, clump-ability, and dust-freeness. And then there's cost per ounce. You have to bring a yellow pad and take notes. And you'll probably make the wrong choice, anyway, because the odds are against you. Most supermarket-based wrong choices don't weigh Twenty-five pounds, which can't simply be tossed out like, say, the wrong yogurt. But we cat owners make the effort because we want our cat's excreta to be as classy, yet economical, as possible.
So, Hep, do you give a damn?
CONRAD,
I'm so glad you wrote. Hepcat may have been the one who kicks the litter out of the box all the time. She seemed dumbfounded to find out that litter is a costly inconvenience. She got real quiet afterwards.
DATE:12/28/04
FROM: BRIAN
DEAR HEPPY:
Who will run for Prez in 2008?
BRIAN,
Sorry, it has taken so long for us to respond. Hep
wanted to cheat by waiting until 2007 to answer your
question. She guesses Schwarzenegger will get the rules
changed so he can run and that Condesentia Rice will
get the definition of "Candor" changed so she can
appear to have used some when she said she did. Hep also
thinks Ralph Nader will run again because he still must have
lots of bumper stickers. I said, "There's no
Democrats" to which she replied, "That may be their only chance.”
DATE:12/30/04
FROM: ROCKY
DEAR HEP,
How were your holidays? Did you get anything cool? What was the big excitement around the house this Christmas? What is your New Year's resolution?
Have a safe and happy new year!
Rocky
ROCKY:
Hepcat appreciated your New Year's well wishes. She said the best part of the Christmas holiday for her was that the kids had no school so she didn't have to listen to me yell, "Do you see why we're always late?" over and over again each morning in this voice that suggests that I really expect an answer from three children who clearly have no intention of putting their socks on one second faster, no matter what. I have some beautiful holiday memories myself.
DATE:1/11/05
FROM: MATT
DEAR HEPASAURUS MAXIMUS:
After nearly 20 years of devotion and hairballs, my feline daughter Jennifer Anne decided to go to that great Litter Box in the Sky on December 22, 2004. What advice can you offer me to deal with the tremendous loss I feel since she's no longer with me? I miss her the most when I'm in bed since she used to snuggle with me every night and morning (I never asked her what she did when she wasn't snuggling with me in bed).
Thanks and take care,
Matt
MATT,
Hep says your cat Jennifer Anne, whose passing I am sorry to hear of, reminds her a lot of Rutherford. She thought I should send Rutherford to you. She is not usually that generous. I don't know what's gotten into her. I do think she's right that you should get another cat.
DATE: 1/18/05
FROM: BECKY CURRANS
DEAR HEP,
I asked my new mommy to write this for me because I am at my wits end. See, I used to live outside and after a really cold day (I was really cold), I got to come live in the house. I like it a lot, but I have one problem--there is a cat living there already. I like her a lot (her name is Little Girl...odd name don't you think?) but she won't play with me. I dive at her and run at her and all I get for my trouble is a hiss (and she needs Scope or some gum or something, let me tell you!) and a slap. How can I get her to play with me?
Your friend,
Sophie
SOPHIE,
Hep says, even among cats, a good relationship requires a good foundation. That can take time and is not likely to be accomplished by diving at the potential friend. She says hissing, swatting and a bit of puffing up, on the other hand are the natural beginning to a lifetime of happy memories together.
Yours,
FROM: REESE
DATE: 1/7/05
DEAR PAULA AND HEP CAT,
I have a number of questions, but there is one that keeps me up nights. I can't seem to ever have less than four cats. In the last 6 years I have lost three cats, all to old age and within a month of each death, sometimes faster, another homeless, sad, hungry wuscat shows up on my front porch. Is there a service of some sort that keeps tabs on the health of housecasts and sends out notification of vacancies in cat households? That is my suspicion...
Paula, I will see you tomorrow night in Salt Lake City. I will be the one laughing really hard and taking notes. I'm sure I will enjoy your show much more than the one last wek when I got bitch slapped by Jane Siberry.... I was innocent.
REESE:
Thanks for coming to see me in Salt Lake City. I have a great time telling my little jokes near such bouyant water.
I talked to Hep about your question. She says such a service does exist, but she doesn't subscribe because they sell their mailing lists.
FROM: CHUCK REITER
DATE: 1/7/05
MONSIEUR HEP,
I'm hoping that in one of your nine lives you were an attorney. This year I attended a performance by your owner..er..mistress...er...favorite chew toy Paula, and was treated to over 2 hours of gut-busting laughs.
If I had indeed busted my gut, would Paula have been medically liable? The ticket stub and program were no help in this matter.
Thanks.
A woefully under-insured Chuck from Illinois
DEAR CHUCK:
Hep was touched by your addressing her in french, but baffled by your logic. She says if I were medically liable for your busted gut then George W. Bush would be medically liable for her debilitating depression.
I was flattered by your kind reaction.
FROM: LISA MITCHELL
DATE: 1/7/05
DEAR HEPPY:
When are you going to bring Hep to school to share some of her wise sayings with Miss S's students?
DEAR LISA:
My son picks Hep up and squishes her she scratches him. So, I don't think she's good with kids. I can't afford another law suit right now. I maybe liable for endangering Chuck's gut.
FROM: SLEIDY
DATE: 1/7/05
DEAR HEPPY:
Heppy, describe your ideal date.
SLEIDY:
Your question has stumped Hep for months. She was fixed years ago and she says she doesn't even think about dating. Still, that a quiet night with a Tom who likes to groom, hiding behind the chair in the living room where I sometimes throw up, listening to the dull thud of a truck hitting the big dumb dog in the alley could be nice.
FROM: IRIS ANTMAN
DATE: 1/7/05
DEAR HEPPY:
I have a 17 year old fairly decrepit dog and a 12 year old gorgeous calico cat who thinks she's hot stuff (and she is). I'd like to get another cat now as opposed of waiting until my dog dies because I want to have at least two animals. Do you think Twink (my
cat) would be terribly upset by the introduction of another feline into the household?
DEAR IRIS:
I talked to Hep about your situation. She said she can't wait until our dog dies even if I get another cat. I explained that your cat, Twink, may actually be fond of your dog and she said that if I would promise that our dog would die soon she would say she was fond of him.
When I explained that your situation may be different she said, "Look, I like to be pet. See? I like to be pet. So long as I get pet and fed and pet some more you could bring home a tyranasaurus rex if you want.
I like to be pet."
I think she was in a bad mood, but she seemed to cheer up when I told her your name is Iris Antman.
FROM: CHRISTINE RIZZO
DATE:1/7/05
HEY, HEP
Just found out your mom is performing in New Jersey in March and my mom is going to see her, so... lets get this party started! Mark your calendar and invite your pals. They'll be food, drink and my favorite, some nip! I've got a great contact, always comes through, I just give him a little come hither look and he gives me whatever I want. Gotta go, my moms coming in.
Smooches,
Harley (I know, its a boys name but I'm a girl. My mom keeps telling me something about being named after a character on Guiding Light, ugh!)
HARLEY:
Hep hates my act.
Yours, Paula
FROM: MARGARET CAIN
DATE:1/7/05
DEAR HEP:
After hearing Tommy Thompson's comments about the susceptibility of our food supply to terrorism, I'm considering hiring a food taster. Do you think that's wise?
Thank you.
Margaret
DEAR MARGARET:
It's a brilliant idea. Can't be too safe. Rutherford would be glad to take the job.
FROM: CHHAY
DATE: 1/7/05
DEAR PAULA AND HEP,
I am a student at Michigan State University. I just moved here 4 years ago from a foreign country. I wonder what can I do to improve my english? I read really slow, and I find no interests in reading at all. I found your (paula's) website from Wait Wait.
It's a very interesting radio show!! Sorry, to bother you.
Best Wishes, Happy Holidays!
CHHAY,
Hep speaks english, but only to me and with a very thick accent, so she can't be much help to you, which we both regret. She was fascinated by the idea of someone who doesn't care to read going to college.
What are you studying? Stuntwork?
We both wish for you a Happy New Year filled with lots of hands on training.
Yours,
Paula
FROM: Kathy
DATE:1/3/05
Hi Paula,
First, I want to tell you that I was a "tourist" at your Saturday evening show in Erie on Nov. 6th, and was almost too exhausted from laughing to drive back to Cleveland after the show. And it was the early!
Now, to my question for Hepcat: please ask her how I can get the "call of the wild" under control in my rescue kitty, Catman. He likes me and Dolley, my 17-year-old beauty girl kitty, but prefers to spend as much time outside as possible. Does Hepcat think that when the weather turns very cold, which it could do before I finish typing this sentence, that Catman will be more inclined to stay in the house with us? I'm getting tired of all the in-out in-out (no, not in the "Clockwork Orange context...)
Kathy:
Thanks for coming to see me in Eerie. I don't want to be so presumptuous as to assume that you came all of the way from Cleveland just to see me. There's plenty of reasons for a body to go to Eerie. It's beautiful and there's a whole cultural entertainment section.
Still, thanks for coming to see me.
I talked to Hepcat about your concerns. She has only been outside once, since I got her about twelve years ago, and I said, "Hep," and she ran back in. So, she doesn't have a lot of experience in this area. She doesn't realize how far the outside goes. She thinks that when I leave I am just hiding behind the door.
I'm sorry it has taken us so long to respond. By now, you've either a loving pet or a kittysicle. Either way, surely you answered your own question.
Yours, Paula
FROM: Stephen Sachs
DATE: 1/3/05
Dear Heppy,
Why did Bush throw his medals over.... wait a minute.... he never had any... never mind....
Stephen:
Hep says you've been unfair. She's almost certain that Bush had a medal or two from cheerleading successfully.
I'm sorry we didn't get back to you sooner. Perhaps we could have put a stop to this travesty.
FROM: Jim Bilger
DATE: 1/3/05
Dear Hepcat,
For those of us who are still in mourning over the recent election (I still have my black armband on), do you think we should hold out any hope that the truly crazed activists - without anything else to do - will find enough dirt to cast aspertions (sic?) on the outcome and force the issue into the open? Or, do you think we should get on with our lives - while, of course, keeping an eye out over our sholder because they surely ARE out to get us...
Thanks, Hep Cat - can't wait for your answer...
Your friend, Jim
Jim,
Sorry, it took us so long to get back to you. E-mail slows me down. Hepcat pointed out to me that "activists" by their very nature, always have something to do. She says she knew all along that Bush was going to win. Just as she knows our dog Cal will eventually eat Softy the bunny. It's just the way of the world. She can be dark like that.
I try to stay focused on the big picture, but lately I find myself crevice tooling a lot.
Yours, Paula
DATE: 1/3/05
FROM: Jim Keaton
Hi, Paula and Hep,
We have 6 cats (Sherman, Abbie, Murphy, Sadi, and
Phoebe) and each would like to have the others euthanized. What do you think about world peace....I'm fighting for it in the cat world. But thing is, stray cats keep showing up on our porch pregnant or dying with some ailment or another. How do they know we are such suckers (its the Regina Pickler dinnerware for cats I'm sure)?
Yours in feline service,
Jim
Jim,
I got Hep at this cat saving organization called "Cat Crossing". She was a stray when they got her, but I had to "adopt" her. I had to fill out forms and answer essay questions. It was a bit much. They called to see how we were doing and wanted to know my plans for her future. I finally just lied and said I'd send her to private school - even though I'm really home schooling her. It'd be easier if the cats just found me like they do you. I talked to Hep about your problem. She says enclose your porch.
Yours, Paula
DATE: 12/21
FROM: Jennifer Gates
We recently went through a strange experience with a member of your species. After dutifully reporting every morning and every night for years for morning and evening feedings, 2.5 months ago, they dissapeared! A posting came out on the Animal Shelter website that an animal with the same coloring and approximate age had been run over by a car and picked up across the street from our address. We resigned ourselves to the fact that they were not coming back.
The suddenly, this morning, they reappeared (much thinner but certainly them). My question is: I know cats have nine lives. How can I tell how many they have left?
Jennifer:
Hep says that the amount of lives that a cat has left is written on the inside of it's skull. However, there's a one in nine chance that checking will kill them. She says, if I don't believe her I should check Rutherford who she is practically certain has eight left.
Thanks for your question and your story of hope, tragedy and triumph.
Yours,
Paula Poundstone
DATE: 12/21
Dear Hep:
My birthday is coming up in late January, and for my birthday celebration, I am going to see your mommy at McCurdy's Comedy Club in Sarasota, Florida. What are the odds she might do me the honor of signing a Pop Tarts box for me?
Love, Lori
Dear Lori:
I read your note to Hep. She said she doesn't care what I do when I'm not with her. She has been mad at me because I won't let her lie on top of me while I read aloud Nancy Drew to the kids. She is so heavy I can barely breath with her on me, let alone use expression when Nancy finds a secet passage. Sure, come see me in Sarasota.
Thanks.
Paula Poundstone
DATE: 12/20
Dearest Hep,
I was wondering, what is it that you do when Paula leaves to go on tour? It sounds to me as if you have a pretty good situation at home. Do you have any projects setup for the time apart while you are home alone? Another thing, I was told by a feline friend that becauhse I'm allergic to cats that they tend to want to play with me. because they feel that have an advantage or power over me. is this true? Cats always gravitate towards me.
Signed, Zack Hemenway
p.s. tell Paula I'm a big fan.
Zack:
Hepcat asked me to tell you that if the stupid dog, Rutherford (named after Richard Deacon, Lumpy's dad) the fat cat who invades my personal space, and the wild haired boy who turns any solid item into a sword to storm around the house and terrorize anything that moves, would tour, I'd have a great life. Currently they're auditioning drummers.
Cats gravitate to you because you're a good person.
Yours,
Paula & Hepcat
DATE: 7/27
I would like to know if Heppy finds it difficult
to live peacefully with
the bunny; considering that for most cats, bunnies
make excellent trophies
and a good mid-morning snack.
Signed, Susan Houston
Susan,
Hepcat and the rest of our cats are indoor cats.
Softy, the bunny, lives outside in a hutch. Hep
says if she could eat the bunny she would. She
says to tell you she's only "feline".
Yours, Paula & Hepcat
DATE: 7/31
Dear Heppy:
I am having trouble deciding who to vote for president.
Should I vote for the short snotty guy or the
tall robotic guy?
Signed, Swen
Swen,
Hepcat plays her political cards pretty close
to her furry little chest. I'm an unabashed Democrat,
though. I have to agree with you that Kerry is
a bit robotic, but who cares. Would your politics
be different if you were deaf and blind?
Hep says you should vote
your own way, but she did mention that she loves
the robot in Lost In Space (We have the first
season on DVD).
Yours, Paula & Hepcat
DATE: 8/1
Hep, I hate to bother you with this. I know you
must be busy answering lots of questions. But,
your immeasurable knowledge will be greatly appreciated.
Will your Mom (Paula) be coming to my area anytime
soon? My area is Memphis, Tn. I saw her at the
Orpheum Theater in the early 90\'s and she made
me laugh so hard my ribs hurt for days. I really
would like to see her again so any news you might
have would be very helpful.
P.S. Goog luck with the 9 cats, dog , lizard
, and overly abundant ant farm.
Regina Pickler
Regina,
I tried to read your note to Hep, but every time
I read "Regina Pickler" she rolled on
her back, kicked her paws in the air and gufffawed.
She wouldn't even listen, let alone answer. She
thought I made it up. She says there is no "Regina
Pickler", because if there was it'd be a
brand name by now. There'd be Regina Pickler Kitchenware
or Regina Pickler Clothing.
I don't have plans to be in Memphis soon. I'm
so busy writing with my Regina Pickler pen. Check
the calendar page occasionally. I'll try to keep
you posted. Thanks so much for your kind note.
Yours, Paula & Hepcat
DATE: 9/14
Hepster! With all you have to put up with, Considering
the "Amazon" like lifestyle you lead,
How do you manage to keep your pretty figure?
~Joey in Minneapolis
Joey,
I read your note to Hep. She glowed. Between you
and me, however, the big picture on the website
is a few years old.
Yours, Paula & Hepcat
DATE: 9/20
Our cat disappeared for 4 days what happened to
her?
The Patten's
Dear Pattens,
Is your cat back? When I read your note to Hepcat,
she assembled the others and they counted off.
Yours isn't here. Hope all is well.
Yours, Paula & Hepcat
DATE: 9/21
Dear Heppy,
I miss my kitty, Barroness, when I am at work
all day. What should I do? My boss won't let me
bring her to work with me. Also, how do I know
if she's getting enough to eat?
Thanks,
Lauren
Lauren,
I talked to Hepcat about your situation. She agrees
with me that, especially if you're a waitress
or a surgeon, your boss really isn't out of line
to insist you leave your cat at home.
Hep says that if you leave
a Regina Pickler ceramic bowl of dried food, plenty
of water and maybe a wadded up ball of foil on
the floor for Baroness, you needn't worry about
her at all.
Yours, Paula & Hepcat
DATE: 9/22
Hey Heppy! You sure are a pretty kitty! I have
three kitties myself - Calley, Higgins, and Clayton
(he's orange and white too). They all say hi!
Could you ask your Mom a question for me? I'm
looking for a Paula Poundstone Stand-Up CD. I
love her stuff! I used to work (way back when)
at Comedy on Broadway in Lexington, KY. Your Mom
performed one week and we
all thought she was so cool! She even tipped us
all $25! I've always loved her work and wanted
something on CD. Could you help? There could be
some treats and feather toys in it for you. Maybe
even a laser light pen. Oooh!
Gail Covington
Gail,
Hep was flattered by your appreciation of her
feline form. I don't have a CD for adults. However,
if you know any kids, I have a CD from Children's
Book-of-the-Month Club called Completely Yours.
I'd like to make an adult CD but I'm afraid only
four or five of us will listen to it.
Hey, I remember Lexington,
Kentucky. I sneezed from the minute I got off
the plane until I got back on it. I remember enjoying
the club though. Take care.
Yours, Paula & Hepcat
DATE: 9/23
I have two girl cats who can't seem to get along.
They always his at each other. Is there any thing
I can do, from your cat perspective, as a pet
own to help my two cat girls get along better
with each other?
Signed, Edward
Edward,
I talked to Hepcat about your note. She looked
a little sheepish, which is hard for a cat. She
fights a lot with my cat Rutherford (named for
Fred Rutherford) often right on top of me. She
says it's Rutherford's fault. She says that she
thinks when I'm helping Toshia with her exercises
each day it's supposed to be Hep's special time
with me and that Rutherford keeps interrupting
and that when she's trying to eat from her Regina
Pickler ceramic bowl Rutherford keeps shoving
her big head in.
She says sometimes it
helps her to throw up behind the chair in the
living room. I don't think she's going to be much
help.
Yours, Paula & Hepcat
DATE: 9/29
Name: Kelly
Comments:
Hep, Will you please thank Ms. Poundstone for
me for being such a wonderful role model in my
life when I needed one the most?? Thanks, Kelly
Dear Kelly,
Thank you so much for your kind note. I read it
to Hepcat. She wonders if you're high?
Yours, Paula & Hepcat
DATE: 9/30
Dear Hep,
As a cat who is forced to live with three other
cats (I'm the most recent adoption), when will
THEY ever learn that it is I who runs the house
now? WHEN will they get it? Am I the only intelligent
cat in the world-besides you, of course?
Thank you, Roxanne Reed
Roxanne,
I talked to Hep about your note. She marveled
that two cats who have never even met could shoulder
burdens so alike. She quickly added that it's
even worse living with three kids, a bearded dragon
lizard, a cat eating dog and the nearly constant
sound of vacuuming. Then she wandered off to feel
sorry for herself.
Yours, Paula & Hepcat
DATE: 10/3
Why is it that cats likey to take naps in strange
places? I recently found my brother's cat, Isis,
sleeping on top of his turntable. A few weeks
ago, she was sleeping on top of his computer monitor.
Can Hep give me any insight into Isis's behavior?
Signed, Robert Mitchell
Robert,
Hep says she can't speak for all cats, but as
for herself, she likes to sleep in warm places.
She confessed to me that she too would like to
sleep on the computer monitor. It got a little
awkward as I tried to explain as politely as I
could that there's not a computer monitor that
could support her. Hope all is well.
Yours, Paula & Hepcat
DATE: 10/3
Okay,
I am not really a fan of your cat's. Actually
I am allergic to cats. So unless infatuation feels
like swollen itchy eyes, I am also not your cat's
secret admirer. And, unfortunately, I won't be
seeing you in public anymore either. Do you have
any clue? Hoping this comes off as fun and not
creepy,
Your S.A.
Dear Secret Admirer,
Diana Ross mentioned "a burning and yearning
inside" in a love song, so infatuation may
include swollen, itchy eyes as one works one's
way to the "burning and yearning" of
love.
I hope you are well. Neither Hep nor I have ever
had a secret admirer. You're very rare. Someone
may tag your ear and release you into the wild.
Yours, Paula & Hepcat
DATE: 10/4
Dear Heppy: The answer to this question probably
has to do with the psychological field, but since
you're so hep I'm sure you'll know the answer.
Why does one of our 3 cats pee on the area rug
near the back door every time we go out of town?
Do you do this as well?
Grace Leach
Grace,
I talked to Hep about your note. She wouldn't
make eye contact with me and started distractedly
dusting the furniture saying, "Isn't that
awful. Who would do that?" To my great frustration,
we've had a similar problem. I was thinking of
moving. If Hep has any solutions she's keeping
them to her fat, furry self.
Yours, Paula & Hepcat
DATE: 10/6
How old are you?
Signed, Venita Kromholz
Venita,
Hep is a little sensitive
about her age. I try to remind her not to ruin
today but worrying about tomorrow or regretting
yesterday and aging will stay in it's proper perspective.
She thinks she is about twelve, but she's not
sure because she says she has partied a lot in
her lifetime and may have lost track. When she
was a kitten she ate almost an entire queen-sized
flannel sheet. Thanks for your note.
Yours, Paula & Hepcat
DATE: 10/6
Dear Hep,
I would like to know something. Out of my 8 cats,
only 1 speaks to me as well (as Paula). I want
to know why this is. I considered that perhaps
it was a "group thing" and 1 cat was
elected as house speaker. But then i realized
that cats are part of the Independant
party, so majority may not apply. Then I pondered
the possibility that some
cats just don\'t feel like talking. But, again,
my theory fell flat since
the others do - in fact -meow. So Hep, what\'s
the deal? Oh, FYI, the dog
and the bird also talk to me. The bearded dragon,
the fish, and Mortimer,
the paddle-tail salamander, do not. Thanks for
your help Hep!
luv, Jules
Jules,
I talked to Hep about your note. She wants you
to know that she was indeed elected to office,
but that much of our electorate was turned off
by debates, which degenerated to puffing up and
hissing, and didn't turn out on polling day. My
cats Annabelle and Scout are from Florida, so
it's hard to be sure of the result.
It's a bit looney to expect
a fish to talk, don't you think?
Thanks.
Paula & Hepcat
"Dear
Heppy, can my best friend Courtney be my sister,
and her big sister, too."
Signed,
Ivey
Burns, Los Angeles
Heppy is an orange Tabby.
I brought her home to live with me and a black
cat, a tortise shell cat, a silver tabby and two
siameses. Then I got five more cats and three
kids and a dog. I don't know if they're related.
I know Hep loves them and I think that's the most
important thing - except Ruffy (she really bugs
her). I think they can all be sisters, except
the dog because he's a boy and Ruffy because she
doesn't deserve it. I think you and Courtney can
be each other's big and little sisters.
Yours,
Paula & Hepcat
Dear Heppy,
"I don't have a question, just a comment.
I was checking your mom's/ owner's/ human's website
(we always do that before we print web addresses
in the paper) and came across your photo.
My comment is that you look a LOT like my cat,
Bert, except that Bert is probably twice your
size. He was rescued two years ago from a more
dangerous than tawdry life on the streets -- he
was literally in danger of being shot by a bunch
of teenage mutant losers.
I always described him as a white cat that somebody
came along and poured butterscotch over. The really
interesting thing is that he has an orange beauty
mark, too, and in the same place you do! Assuming
that's a beauty mark above your right upper lip,
and not a giant floater in my eye or something.
Maybe you and Bert are second or 12th or 150th
cousins. Except Bert takes after the, er, big-boned
side of the family."Signed, CynthiaP.S. "I
hope you're not the one who recently departed
this earth -- I say that only because the note
above this still says Paula has 10 cats. But if
you are the one who's gone but not forgotten,
please give MY dear departed Callie my love when
you see her."
Cynthia,
I talked to Hep about your
suggestion that Bert may be blood related to her.
We both agree that it's likely, but she doesn't
remember life before I got her from the cat adoption
people at the PetCo twelve or thirteen years ago.
Don't ever tell her I said this, but that's an
older picture on the website. She's a rather full-figured
cat herself now.
I'm glad you rescued Bert
but I worry about these teenagers. I read in Youth
Violence, Crime And Gangs - Children At Risk
that in "a study in twelve states violent
crimes involving those under eighteen and resulting
in injuries occurred most often around 3PM or
shortly after the end of school." Hep and
I, and I'm sure Bert, believe in good after school
programs.
Yours,
Paula & Hepcat
P.S. Tom Hayden just came
out with a book called Street Wars. Bet
it's good.
"First-time caller, long-time
listener. My question is: What is the secret to
your financial success? Is it real estate? Strategic
newspaper adds? A foolproof blacckjack system?
please let me know before the 1st of next month,
as my rent is four months in arrears.Thank you."
Sean
Sean,
I talked to Hep about your
question. Hepcat, we're both embarrassed to say,
is a freeloader. I bring home the Meow Mix and,
occasionally as I clean yet another disgusting
splat of cat vomit off of the map rug, I reflect
on this arrangement. It shows her in a bad light.
On the other hand, I've been telling cat jokes
on stage for about 20 one years. Surely they've
paid for themselves in material many times over.
The lizard may still be in the red.Your question
prompted me to turn to a personal finance guide
in the library.
I read Kiplinger's Practical
Guide To Your Money by Ted Miller that even
though there was prosperity in the 1990's, Americans
were going broke in record numbers. This is the
first fad I've been a part of since I carried
a suede happy face purse in 1972. Anyway, Ted
Miller says don't pay your bills too early because
the longer your money stays in your account, the
longer it works for you. He also says call your
credit card company and tell them you don't think
you should have to pay an annual fee. I'm going
to take that suggestion a step further and try
it with the IRS. I'll let you know how it goes.
Regards,
Paula & Hepcat
P.S. Hep asked me to ask
you if she can borrow a dollar.
"Dear Heppy, do you like
this new cat woman that's coming out? I mean is
she the TRUE cat woman?" Signed, Jamie
Dear Jamie,
The real cat woman would never sit with her butt
in the air on purpose.
Yours,
Paula & Hepcat
"Dear Heppy, We have four
cats. At what point are you considered a 'cat
nut'? I just want to know so that I can stop one
short."
Signed,
Carrie
Carrie,
Do your cats wear little
hats? If not you're still in the clear. I tried
to talk to Hep about your question. She said she
wouldn't listen until I changed her dress.
Yours,
Paula & Hepcat
"Dear Heppy. Should I worry
about identity theft when I'm not certain about
who I really am in the first place."
Signed,
Andie...er, I mean, Whitney
Whitney,
There are days when I think,
"I dare someone to pretend to be me".
I'm, of course, a nationally known felon. Only
the least talented identity thieves would steal
my identity. Still, I talked to Hepcat about your
note. It's a good thing I did. It turns out she
has been worried for a while now that some cat
named Bert may have been passing himself off as
her.
I took a look at a book
called FRAUD! HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM
SCHEMES, SCAMS, AND SWINDLERS by Marsha Bertraud.Marsha,
if that's really herr name, says "don't let
bussinesses write your social security number
on your checks. She also gave credit check place
addresses where it would worthwhile writing/ calling
once or twice a year to see that you haven't already
been the victim of such a crime.Oh yeah, and Whitney,
Hepcat says you're Whitney - definately and don't
worry about that. Just take care of yourself.
Yours,
Paula & Hepcat
Dear Heppy,
"One of my cats, Bradbury, likes to take
a dump in the bathtub. It’s a
blue moon when he’s feeling particularly
miffed about something. Do you have
a favorite “nasty spot” when you are
upset and what do you do to make Paula get over
it?"
Signed,
Rick C.
Rick,
I didn’t talk to
Hep about your question. Many people
in my travels have told me of their cats not using
the litter box as a punishment to their owners. So
far she has been content to scratch me when she
is mad, sometimes even days after the infraction. She
is an indoor cat, she receives no mail and doesn’t
go on line. If you don’t tell
her about this method of expressing anger perhaps
no one ever will.
Best,
Paula & Hepcat
"Hi Heppy! What
is your favorite food?"
Denise
Denise,
I talked to Hepcat on your
behalf. It caused a little tension
between us. I asked her what her favorite food
is and she pointed out that she has only had Meow
Mix for years. I have nine cats (Haskell
died a couple of weeks ago) so the days of my
grocery cart being filled with a wide variety
of Fancy Feast canned food flavors are long gone. She
has gotten too fat to leap up on the kitchen table
to sneak an occasional lap of people food, so
she clearly hasn’t exactly stayed away from
the Meow Mix. When I pointed that out
to her, she clammed up.
Warmest,
Paula & Hepcat
"Hepcat,
Why do my cats get mad if I am gone from my house
for more than an hour. They always
shun me when I get back from a trip then demand
me... attention to them when they feel enough
time has passed. Can you help me understand
this?"
Signed,
Courtney (Confused Cat Girl)
Courtney,
I talked to Hepcat about
your problem. She didn’t see
where there was a problem. She pointed
out that ancient Egyptians considered cats sacred
and worshiped them. Then she licked
her butt.
Yours,
Paula & Hepcat
Hep! Help!
Do you like Walmart and their pathedic commercials
about guys that believe that everything happens
for a reason? I have to know!
SIGNED, ASHLEY
DEAR ASHLEY:
I talked to Hep about your note. She is
an indoor cat, you know, and although she watches
The News Hour with Jim Lehrer, looks out the window,
listens to me read aloud from the Nancy Drew and
Hardy Boys series, and is willing to research
any topic, her direct experience is pretty narrow.
She did run out of the house once several years
ago, but I said, "Hep", and she came
back in.
I explained to her that looking for meaning is
like chasing one's tail. There are very
few reasons when there is a reason, all boiled
down, it's usually money.
I know if I write something in my calendar in
pen the plan will change. That's the reason
for that. I know if a cop is near me I drive
badly, that's the reason for that. I know
that gang violence is deeply rooted in socioeconomic
suffering and, of course, gravity explains a lot.
Hepcat didn't eat for a day or two after we had
this little chat, but I don't know why.
Thanks
Paula & Hepcat
DEAR HEPPY:
I had a calico named Hep many years ago.
When I brought another cat home (okay, two kittens!),
Hep was less than thrilled. She started
hanging out with an elderly woman who lived on
the other side of my backyard fence (she lived
in an apartment, not on the ground or anything).
Anywho, when it came time to move, Hep did not
want to leave her new friend whom she eventually
had taken up residence with, so I left her there.
Will Hep ever forgive me, or was she actually
happier with the old lade who lived on the other
side of the fence who owned millions of snow gloves
and liked to tell you the story behind every single
one, even when you're really, really in a hurry?
Also, one of the new kittens, who eventually became
a cat, got hit by a car in front of my new home.
Did Hep push her? Or did she stand on the
other side of the street and urge her to cross
right when the car was coming?
Well, thanks for many advice you can give me.
P.S. Please ask Paula why she is doing three shows
in Seattle when Portland is only a short plane
ride away? I knew Seattle was selfish and
self-centered, but come on, couldn't they share
one show? I am truly disappointed.
SIGNED, MARY O'DELL
DEAR MARY:
Thanks for your note. I'll try to see if
someone in Portland will hire me even if it's
just me playing to you.
I tried to talk to Hep about your note.
She kept saying, "Snowglobes!" I'd read
a little futher and she'd say, "Snowglobes"?
She rolled back and forth on the living room rug
begging me to find out where we could get snowglobes.
I've never seen her that excited. I could
not get any insights out of her about the murder
suspect or anything else.
Now every night when I take out a Nancy Drew or
Hardy Boys to read aloud to my kids she says,
"let's bag that and watch Citizen Kane."
Thanks for your note.
Paula & Hepcat
DEAR HEP:
I am writing to you because I heard that you are
a plus sized cat. I have a large cat name, PAXIL.
Paxil seems to have some sort of eating disorder.
He is always focused on trying to eat my human
food in addition to his cat food. He is
10 years old and weighs over 20 pounds now.
I'm wondering how I could divert his attention
to a healthier hobby or obsession. Can you
Hep Me?
SIGNED, JUDY POLIFKA
DEAR JUDY:
I talked to Hepcat about your note. I didn't
mention the part about her being "plus sized",
although it's true.
I read in the paper that food companies intend
to put warnings on some packages that say "not
intended to be eaten in one sitting."
That'll do me about as much good as it will PAXIL
and Hep.
Hepcat was sympathetic with Paxil's sad plight,
but doesn't consider herself anywhere near the
same boat, let alone in it. If she were
aware that she is overweight surely she wouldn't
rest on my windpipe while I read aloud Nancy Drew
Mystery Stories. Currently, I am wheezing
through The Secret of Shadow Ranch. Hep
says get a ball with a bell in it. It's
her secret.
Paula & Hepcat
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